i was dancing when i was twelve.

MY HOUSE!!

2006-09-30T16:22:00.000-04:00

MY HOUSE!!, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

Holy shit. I bought this house yesterday. By "I" I mean, Erin's parent's money and my grandfather's money bought this house... Holy shit. We move in October 29th.

Erin in the Goethewaldchen

2006-08-27T12:20:00.000-04:00

Erin in the Goethewaldchen, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

Erin overlooking Jena.

Alexanderplatz

2006-08-27T12:19:00.000-04:00

Alexanderplatz, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

Erin/Me in the Prater Garten

2006-08-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

Erin/Me in the Prater Garten, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

This is Me and Erin in the Prater Garten, the oldest beer garden in Berlin.

laura qua rug

2005-10-08T13:58:00.000-04:00

1542, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is a picture from the big lebowski party a fellow graduate student had a few weeks ago. pictured is laura, who came as the rug that tied the room together.

philosophy poker party

2005-10-03T16:30:00.000-04:00

848, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is from may 05... but for some reason i decided to share it. it's the philosophy department dress up poker party. from left to right we have andy, who is now at depaul. dave, who is now teaching. professor john wright aka "tina",aka the "conviviality director" and andy's wife jessica.

good people.

2005-09-29T15:00:00.000-04:00

i could make a fortune selling confidence pills.
Catch me next on the seminal VH1 series, "The Fabulous Life of..."
and then on E!TV's "Style Star"

PS i have a student who hand writes his response papers
and always signs his name: Brett Nuckles!

80s sara

2005-09-18T15:41:00.000-04:00

1117, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is a photo of me at my 80s party, unfortunately, my angle prevents you from seeing the splendor of my dress and my side ponytail.

i love the 80s

2005-09-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

tomorrow evening i am hosting an 80s party for my fellow graduate students, a young and fun professor, his party loving friend from grad school, and... that's it. it should be a small but stout-hearted group, ready for anything, but crossing our fingers for a good time.

i've pulled out my members only jacket, but have yet to round up other exciting pieces for my ensemble. perhaps some leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, maybe some legwarmers? a side ponytail for sure.

a playlist is being made, wine coolers are being purchased, cocaine is being gotten. well, not really.

pictures forthcoming. assuming that there's anything worth documenting.

2005-08-29T13:18:00.000-04:00

during my time in grinnell this past summer, i didn't once pick up the journal i've managed to write in semi-regularly this year.

"i'm too busy." (utter and total lie)
"it's packed in a bag somewhere."
"i don't feel comfortable writing in a space that's not mine."
"i don't have anything to write that's not a complaint."

these were the excuses i made repeatedly to myself, and i recycled them liberally for reading, exercising, making phone calls, writing letters, and finishing (starting) my paper leftover from my trip to berlin earlier in the summer. never mind that, "it's packed in a bag somewhere" isn't really a logical excuse for avoiding exercise. in my recent experience avoiding things that i'd rather not do, the least logical excuses are often the best for really convincing yourself that doing X is impossible and undesirable.

what it really comes down to is that lying to yourself and procrastinating seem far more satisfying that doing whatever needs to get done.

in other related news, i have not had a decent nights sleep for at least two months, and maybe all summer. i wake up every night/early morning/morning tossing and turning - having the strangest dreams.

from postsecret.blogspot.com

2005-08-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

ohio, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

2005-08-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

1074, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

margaret was very good to sit still whilst i took photos of her crotch.

fall, oh fall, where are you fall?

2005-08-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

i've had about enough of summer. for reals. it's not that i don't enjoy the time away from school, evenings with friends, drinking, debauchery, etc. it's just that i've had my fill of feeling like a melting pot of goo who has nothing to say and no brain power. school is in the air, and i'm longing to wear sweaters and jeans again.

really, there are only so many ways that one can wear a wife beater. i rock it nicely, but honestly...

the new students in my program are a mixed bag, but promising, nonetheless. the star or the show is laura, an anarchist waif who likes diesel jeans, white belts, the simpsons, ibooks and is lately of DC where she got an MA in french lit. she likes to go out, is a bit on the quiet side, and moved into my building! this is awesome because it is convenient to hang out with her and i get 50 dollars for referring her to the oxford square community.

next, there are five boys, who are all pretty indistinguishable from one another so far.

tim - went to university of colorado, is boyish and seems nice/fun.
justin - friend of alum, sara. is a bit cocky, outgoing, and gives me free cigarettes. this is bad.
jesus - a lithe latino from miami, he redefines the word intense. often the results of his oral diarhhea are comical, but more often he makes me want to drive a spike through my head. or his hands and feet.
anthony - quiet, little information thus far. but he tucks his longish hair behind his ears more than seems necessary or appropriate.
chris - see anthony. lives in cincinnati suburb.

fingers crossed for a fun year.
i miss you all.

oh...io

2005-08-19T12:41:00.000-04:00

well, today is my start of the school year graduate student meeting. i am crossing my fingers that the incoming 6 students are both extremely intelligent and fun. the odds of this happening are probably worse than being struck by lightning, especially since i've already heard two of the young gentlemen spoken about in most disparaging terms. oh well... i am crossing my fingers that the girl will be cool.

it seems entirely appropriate and also a little shocking that this happened one year ago for me. much has happened since then, and much has remained the same. hopefully i've come out no worse for the wear and at least a little improved.

i will give you rankings for each new student and hopefully pictures when i assess them. until then...

i don't got no skillz

2005-08-10T18:57:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking about what i'm going to do next year. applying to graduate programs is obviously on the list, but what if i decide that i don't want to go right away, or don't get in anywhere i want to go? in that case, a job would be required.

but sara, you say, what kind of skillz do you have? sure you can sling coffee and booze with the best of them, but what real jobs have you ever had? who would hire you? to do what?

well, that's a good question. i really don't have any job experience. i suppose i can read, write and research, but little else. my computer schools are average, my people skillz are somewhat below... all this leads me to believe that i will be picking up trash come this time next year. sigh. see you buy the dumpster.

news!!

2005-08-04T19:09:00.000-04:00

no really. i wish i had something fabulous to say, but about the only thing informative or amusing i might be able to offer up for discussion probably has to do with the depot beer count or what happened on buffy reruns today. sorry.

i got a new skirt from kenneth cole that's a little too big for me and took awhile to ship, thus dulling the excitement of the whole experience.

i am very much looking forward to coming to chicago next weekend. very much. hopefully i will have some more news/pictures in the very near future, but until then i will leave you with the astonishing fact that the depot is out of monty python's holy grail. the gr is crossed out. ha!

2005-07-30T17:03:00.000-04:00

well, i've been in grinnell for about three weeks now and i must say that, while i've enjoyed my time here very much, i'm looking forward to going back to ohio and getting on with my life there. i know i often speak of it in somewhat disparaging terms, but it's grown on me somewhat. plus it's nice to be in your own space... absence makes the heart grow fonder or something.

i'll spend my remaining week here working at the depot, painting the marsh house's new garage door while listening to harry potter 6 on tape, catsitting for rocky, susit, susie 2, claudius/mochie and sata/whitey/ebony and watching digital cable. also i will not lift a finger to complete the paper that's due for the summer course i took in berlin. no sir.

in other news, my sister just got a new ibook and some 200 seven jeans. god she knows how to work my mom.

who had the biggest ghetto?

2005-07-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

IMG_0462, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is the portion of melissa's birthday party in which she and will decided to see who had the more impressive eilert ghetto booty. i documented the occasion. you decide.

coloumbus fireworks

2005-07-24T21:38:00.000-04:00

coloumbus fireworks, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

arlington reunion

2005-07-21T15:23:00.000-04:00

arlington reunion, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

more photos from the reunion in columbus. there were quite a few 80 yera olds clad in pink at this event. including this guy, fred, who ran off to teh cirus when he was 18. my mom decided he was gay and gave me a knowing look when the other guys would make comments all weekend like, "he was such a womanizer and a bully" and "fred... he's a little... odd."

columbus cheerleaders

2005-07-18T16:47:00.000-04:00

columbus cheerleaders, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

these are some junior high cheerleaders chaking their junior high asses at the upper arlington (columbus, OH) fourth of july parade.

the goonies

2005-07-09T23:53:00.000-04:00

two days ago i was sitting on my family's ancient green living room couch, flipping through the channels, searching for something to watch... when i came across the 1985 classic, the goonies. i knew that corey feldman was in it, as well as martha plimpton, but i hadn't realized that sean astin and josh brolin were in it, too. i'm not sure how long it's been since i've seen the movie, and this time around i was acutely aware of the terrible special effects and occasionally cheesy dialogue and dramatic action... but there's still something magical about the movie. something that makes you anticipate each scene with a fond remembrance that's reserved for things from your very early childhood.

has anyone else read susan cooper's "the dark is rising series"? it's excellent. i'm rereading it now - young adult fantasy at its best.

vacation in grinnell

2005-07-08T14:24:00.000-04:00

well, i'm back in grinnell until early august. call it a summer vacation of sorts. currently, i'm living with my family and sleeping in my brother will's bed (he usually sleeps in the basement, where my mother tells me there are harmuful levels of radon).

yesterday, my sister melissa and my mother and i went to the tanger outlet mall in beautiful williamsburg, IA, where my mother bought me some jeans and shirt at the polo store, and some shoes at gap and old navy. i also bought myself a bag at the coach outlet... oops. i looked hard at it and, after considering it carefully, told daniel, the super femmy sales guy, that i would think about it and come back. when i walked back into the store to buy it he was already wrapping it up for me. here you go! he said (with a lisp of course).

then i had a shift at the depot! (my first is almost a year). it was extremely busy and i was the only person in the bar working... trial by fire. but the 120 dollars was nice. more extremely interesting updates to come soon!

pamela on the telefon

2005-07-01T20:14:00.000-04:00

638, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is pamela, one of my roomates from berlin. she's going to law school next year.

girlfriend trouble?

2005-07-01T20:13:00.000-04:00

790, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

georgia

2005-06-29T10:18:00.000-04:00

here i am. in picturesque blairsville, GA installed in the quest quarters of the adams family's mountain hamlet. actually i'm sleeping in carter's bed since he has been banished to his brother's unoccupied room. last night we went to dinner at a local mexican eatery. however, since union county is one of three dry counties in georgia (so i've been told by carter) there were only non-alcoholic beverage options. sigh.

later i watched the new season of the real world (awesome) and half of the premiere of stella on comedy central (terrible).
tonight's entertainment: beauty and the geek, which i have yet to see.

the south

2005-06-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

so my tour of the south has begun. yesterday morning i awoke at 6AM after getting home from the philosophy department poker night around 1AM. i took out my trash, put my bags in my car and drove across kentucky, west virginia, virginia and into north carolina. it was a beautiful day and a gorgeous drive through the mountains...

so far i have:

eaten at dos taquitos mexican restaurant
toured leighton's neighborhood at night with levi the dog
slept in worth aycock's bed

today i will:

visit leighton's gallery
go to mark's gym
eat a delicious dinner and drink wine with the aforementioned pair

tomorrow i will:

go to leighton's beach house.

berlin bathroom

2005-06-23T06:49:00.000-04:00

berlin bathroom, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is my bathroom in berlin. it was long, narrow, and poorly lit, but served us well for a month.

stadtmitte U bahn stop

2005-06-19T19:02:00.000-04:00

small stadt, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is the underground passage between the U6 and U2 lines at stadtmitte. i never would have discovered this hallway had the s1/2 lines between friedrichstrasse and potsdamer platz not been shut down for a weekend.

i think that the other students on the program remained ignorant of the subway system on purpose. as a result, much of our time together was spent with me leading them around, herding them towards the appropriate platform.

490

2005-06-17T03:55:00.000-04:00

490, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is my bedroom in berlin... from a ninety degree angle.

this could be destiny

2005-06-10T11:00:00.000-04:00

this title of this post has nothing to do with its content. I just happen to be listening to <> by interpol right now. so there's some context for you...

i am currently in an easy internet cafe that is the top floor of a dunkin donuts in alexanderplatz (where that giant soviet tv tower is). actually, they have a symbiotic relationship. donuts, coffee and internet that is, or so say the marketing geniuses who decided that those who enjoy coffee and donuts might also enjoy a little internet.

anyway, i again apologize for my sporadic updates and lack of pictures. when i get back to the states i promise i will flood my blog with images of the reichstag, fernsehturm, the nietzsche archiv, and my drunk roomates.

I'm coming home in a week and will be in oxford for a few day before i head south . then back to ohio and onto chicago, and finally to grinnell for the rest of the summer (with trips to chicago at appropriate intervals). I'm looking forward to seeing all of you.

that's it for now.

they will not speak german with me at starbucks.

2005-06-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

apologies for not updating more during this time when i actually have things to write about, but since i must pay for internet access, i usually spend time doing really really important things... like finding out what happened on lost and alias this week...

june 1st. thank god. the first day of every months seems slightly more magical than the rest... at least for a few hours in the morning. today i decided that i'd gone too long without an enormous american coffee and went to a starbucks around the corner. even though i ordered in german, and continued speaking to the guy behind the counter in german, he would only speak to me in english. granted, my german is bad and it's confusing enough to make an italian word sound german with an american accent... but cut me a little slack... i guess that's what i get for going to a starbucks in the first place. as i stepped out the door i felt 50 euro cred points being taken away from me. oh well.

in other news, i sleep in a brown bed with frame from the 70's. the attached night stands have built in lamps, which are really just phallic looking light bulbs (extremely hot bulbs) sticking out of the headboard. anyway, i put my arm against one the other night for approximately .0000000000000000867 seconds and gave myself a second degree burn on the back of my tricep. which sucks. however, it did give me the chance to go to an apotheke and successfully request burn creme in german. small victories.

in other news, my time is already half up, which is amazing. this weekend i'm taking a day trip to potsdam so see castles and gardens and stuff. the sunday is also the free museum day so ... that's when i'm going to see some museums.

love,
sara

cut off

2005-05-23T16:49:00.000-04:00

so my current lack of phone and internet access, coupled with my crippled computer and no batteries for my camera is leaving me feeling a little lo tech. oh well. that's life.

i can't focus on work.
i can't go to sleep until 2 AM.
i spend money like a madwoman.
i am in a holding pattern,
but i am having fun.

i miss you all.

hoffenlich, pictures are coming soon.

ich bin hier

2005-05-20T12:03:00.000-04:00

hi all. i am in berlin, finally. on the plane i watched oceans 12, the incredibles and war games (the 1983 flick with matthew broderick and ally sheedy)... go figure. my apartment is great, i will have some pictures up soon, hopefully.
i have bought a euro scarf which keeps me warm and ups my streed cred by a thousand percent.
my german is terrible, and i feel like an ass.
oh well.
one of the girls on the trip packed 180 pounds of luggage for 4 weeks... i packed 40.
she brought 4 coats, 8 pairs of shoes, and three full size boxes of kleenex´.
today i ate cookies for lunch and talked about the critique of judgement.
fun.
want a letter?
email me your address and i will write.
more later.
love,
sara

time off, 22, in grinnell

2005-05-12T13:23:00.000-04:00

i'm back. a short break for the end of my semester, the celebration of my birthday, and my return home to grinnell was in order. let the banalities commence once again.

i'm currently sitting at the computer in my kitchen on broad street. i'm having some ice cream for lunch and have watched two movies already this morning. yesterday i read all of pride and prejudice, which, though excellent, was sadly not as satisfying as watching the A&E version with colin firth for six hours. oh well.

my sister and i went grocery shopping and i used my mom's credit card to fill up my car with gas. it's the little things that make grinnell fun... for about two days.

saturday, prefuse 73 is playing in gardner. that might be fun.

tomorrow i have to go have my annual pelvic exam with lisa james at grinnell family care. fun. i love how the receptionist euphemistically whispered "your... annual exam" into the phone this morning when she called to remind me. perhaps i'll go see what movies are on this afternoon...

22 almost

2005-05-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

there's nothing like an approaching birthday to make you feel that a revaluation of your life is needed. 21 was the worst year in recent memory (though I don't remember 13 being all that great, either), and, while very few explicitly terrible things happened, there were a lot of little things that added up to a sustained level of general anxiety, uneasiness and dissapointment. some of them were new worries, a lot of them were old, persistant problems that keep resurfacing.

but from where i am now, 22 looks promising. i choose to make 22 promising.

update:

2005-05-03T13:01:00.000-04:00

i got an A on my defense. it went really well. unfortuatenly, the destructive cycle continues...

last hurdle

2005-05-03T07:37:00.000-04:00

it's 7:38 AM. at 11, i have to defend a paper i wrote and have been revising all semester in front of a panel of three professors. christ. this is how these things usually go:

day before: i wake up, fully intend to start working/preparing, but i usually end up watching a movie or a ridiculous amount of tv instead. yesterday it was much of the 1st season of buffy the vampire slayer, borrowed from my local public library.

night before: i feel guilty, start to get nervous, go to bed, toss and turn all night, have work related nightmares... awake, feeling terrible.

morning of: i get up super early to compensate for the lack of work i did the day before, come to the library, mess around for awhile, checking blogs, plans, nytimes, etc. then start to work.

academic event X: goes fine.

the destructive cycle continues.

semi2

2005-04-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

semi2, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is a truck by the walmart behind my house. i go to walmart about 4 times a day. ok, not quite 4 times a day, but if i could add up all the money i'd spend on useless crap this year...

thank god that the new super walmart opening in a few months will be a car ride away from me.

where the magic happens

2005-04-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

where the magic happens, originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is my living room/breakfast nook/desk.

s college

2005-04-28T08:29:00.000-04:00

s college
Originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is the street I live on - s. college avenue. the photo is of a railroad shed about a block from my house.

PS who would have thought!? katie holmes and tom cruise!?!?!?

opening doors, breaking windows, blah blah blah.

2005-04-27T14:27:00.000-04:00

recently (as i've conversed with some of you about) i've seriously been contemplating the "when you walk through one door all the other (in retrospect) more awesome possibilities slam in your face" phenomenon. this first year of grad school has gone quickly. i'm almost half way done, in fact. but quite soon i have to start thinking about what i'm going to do in the fall of 2006.

i will most definitely apply to phd programs in philosophy. getting in is another matter entirely. wanting to go immediately is another matter as well. do i really want to commit 5 years of my life to school (and all the years after that as well). academia isn't a bad place to spend you life. not a bad place at all.

and don't get me wrong, i love philosophy. but there are lot of other things i love as well. well, maybe like a lot. don't ask for a list.

choosing one possibility means that the millions of other possibilities cannot be chosen. at least not at that particular time.

i recently wrote a mediocre paper on creation myths and the eternal return. i read the unbearable lightness of being for the paper. which is the greater burden? knowing that your life happens only once, and feeling the consequent pressure to make the "right" choice? believing that, since your choices only occur once, there is no pressure because your choice doesn't matter? or, believing that your life repeats in infinite number of times, feeling the pressure to make the right choice since it will happen over and over again? if life happens only once, then the choice we make doesn't really matter.

but if it's the choice we make again and again for eternity... well, i'm not sure it matter then either.

what am i talking about?
i have to go to class.

an announcement

2005-04-25T08:38:00.000-04:00

anonymous/non registered user comments are now possible. thank you.

my apartment

2005-04-23T19:41:00.000-04:00

living room
Originally uploaded by saraeilert.

this is a view of my living room, for all those who are curious about my domestic life here in oxford.

on journaling...

2005-04-22T12:03:00.000-04:00

from the paltinis diary by gabriel liiceanu:

"In the evening, over a glass of red wine, he [constantin noica] scolds me for not keeping a diary. I believe I have not done it for two reasons: firstly out of laziness, and secondly out of fear of the ridiculous, the embarassment that I would feel in front of the bundle of banalities accumulated over time" (Licceanu 12).

this is excatly the sentiment that has kept me from consistenly keeping a diary, though I have had sporadic bursts of writing over the years. this year has been my most successful by far, and though i have not overcome my laziness (by any stretch of the imagination) nor have i overcome fear of embarrasment or banality, i'm still writing. slowly, but surely.

ohmygodiamsosmart!!

2005-04-21T16:06:00.000-04:00

i finally found the html in my template that allows me to change links!! if you'll look to the right you will observe the fruits of my genius. actually this just reinforces what my mother has told me since i was a child:

"honey, you're very smart, but you're just not good at looking for things."

a ray of happy sunshine in which ponies run

2005-04-21T15:31:00.000-04:00

okay, sorry to be so negative recently. in light of several comments confirming 1. other student's similar feelings about their educational experience, and 2. addmission that it's really not so bad as i make it seem, i will, from this point on, be affirming of what i've learned rather than lament about my insufficiency.

things i am happy about:

the cup of hot chocolate that i'm drinking
the oc on tonight
the sushi i'm eating for dinner
the approaching end of the semester
my trip to germany
my birthday weekend in chicago where i will get to see my friends
seeing my family
my new boots
my new camera
my renewed interest in academia and life in general (i'm thinking about reading don quixote this summer)

it's the little things, folks.

my education is a sham

2005-04-20T09:38:00.000-04:00

sadly, it's true. i was sitting on my couch, facing my bookshelf, letting my eyes wander across the spines of all the books I've purchased in 5 years worth of philosophy class, when i realized that I've read very few books in their entirety, some not at all, and i couldn't tell you what most were about. It's sad to realize that you've been "learning" for 18 years and have very little real knowledge to show for it.

i am not a careful reader.
i am a lazy student.
i am a bored procrastinator.

there are few things i love enough to spend a lot of time doing.
but then what else am i going to do?

how have i fooled so many teachers all these years?
is it too late to change, or can i fix this character flaw?
i supposed i'd better if i'm going to apply to PhD programs.
they like students who know things and can do work.

crap.

today i will do things all day long.

2005-04-17T11:40:00.000-04:00

most weekend days i spend watching entirely too much tv, spending money, and doing... generally nothing. today, i will do things all day long.

so far i have:

800 been awoken by a frightening dream about flies in my skin
830 ate some breakfast
900 read several pages in a book on the history of romance languages - for fun!!
1000 made my way to campus, printed and filled out a ISIC form. christ, another 22 dollars.

1030 messed around on the internet
1100 picked up a book from the library
1130 messed around on the internet... ok this is going downhill. after this post i will:

write several new introductions to my seminar paper that i must presesent tuesday.
read 100 pages of bahktin's the dialogic imagination
take some pictures. attempt to make some art.
spend some time outside.
work on another paper for which i must give a presentation on wednesday.
call some friends
go to the gym - perhaps swim for the first time all year

other stuff...

birth announcement

2005-04-14T10:39:00.000-04:00

and i have a new camera!

here she is!

new boots

2005-04-13T13:56:00.000-04:00

today i got some new boots as an early birthday present from my mom. they are awesome. i wish i could share a picture with you but the program which allows free photo hosting is on the computer in my office, not this computer. and i can't have it on my computer at home because it's too old. :(

here's the link for all who care to look.

boots

PS my new camera is coming tomorrow!!

left, right, straight, back

2005-04-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

last night i decided to take a walk before bed. one of jake's latest plan updates reminded me that i hadn't listened to fiona apple in awhile and that, despite that fact that she often comes off as a whiny... whiner... her cds are actually quite good - so i put tidal in my discman and went out the door (yes, i'm still rocking the discman and anyone who is rich enough to have an ipod and a computer current enough to use it can kiss my ass... but i digress).

i walked out of my apartment building, past the "courtyard" and down to the end of the driveway. i stopped. going left (north) would take me towards downtown, someplace that i had been nearly everyday. if i eventually turned east, i would be walking towards campus, someplace i had definitely been and had little desire to return to. if i walked northwest i would find myself at walmart/kroger, two places i had also been earlier. i paused, a little stymied. i was ready to go somewhere, but all the destinations i could think of held little appeal, even for a simple nighttime stroll.

then i realized that i could go south/southwest. "christ," i thought, "i'm not sure if i've been south/southwest before." since it's mostly residential i'd had no reason to venture that way, save a very early gathering hosted by the oldest grad student and his family. but right then and there i decided that south/southwest would be my destination for the evening. no place in particular, just a direction.

when you see the same things everyday, when you walk the same 20 blocks over and over, passing by the same student housing, the same public library, the same stores, it's easy to forget that there are entirely different worlds waiting yards from your front door... just in a different direction.

i walked down chestnut street, past pleasant looking apartment complexes - complexes that i'd never seen before. i looked in lighted windows at people watching tv, their rows of books and stacks of laundry. i tried to do this as uncreepily as possible while thinking about the pictures i might take as soon as my new camera arrived - pictures of unsuspecting people at night- my lonely creep meter started to go off and i turned my attention back to the road ahead, the stoplight in the distance.

for the most part i stayed on the main road. there were lots of interesting looking cul de sacs that i might have walked down, and as it was only 10:30 and oxford is a very safe town, it probably would have been fine. but i decided to turn back, walking the way i had come, content with the mini adventure i'd just had - somewhat rejuvenated after having seen something new, even if only for a few minutes.

the thirteen clocks

2005-04-08T22:38:00.000-04:00

I can't remember how old i was, but sometime in my early teens i remember picking up a copy of james thurber's book "thirteen clocks" from a box of books that someone was throwing away on main street. i'm not sure where that book it now... probably in my basement somewhere with the rest of my childhood books, but i remember it being one of the most simple, beautiful, well written books i've ever read.

the back of the jacket proclaims that it's "not a fairytale, or a parable" nor is it a paradox. it's the story of a prince who's name begins with x, but doesn't, a woman who can only cry tears of joy which later turn into precious gems, but only for two weeks.

i remember looking up the word paradox in the dictionary and being fascinated with the definition i found. "A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true."

that was just about the greatest word i could wrap my mind around...

this song gets me pumped. that's right. pumped.

2005-04-07T23:03:00.001-04:00

when i wake up i often put on gwen stefani's "what you waiting for". it's a nice way to wake up and remind myself that i should do something today. it doesn't always happen, but that's life. hey. life is short you're capable.

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by
Now it's only me

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
La, la, la, la, la, la, la (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)

Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
Oh, ah, oh

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid ho

Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cause of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable
Oh, ah, oh

(Uh-huh, hu-huh)
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million-dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style

Go

Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

(What you waiting for)
Take a chance you stupid ho
Take a chance you stupid ho

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

(What you waiting for)
Take a chance you stupid ho
Take a chance you stupid ho

this song gets me pumped. that's right. pumped.

2005-04-07T23:03:00.000-04:00

when i wake up i often put gwen stefani's "what you waiting for" on. it's a nice way to wake up and remind myself that i should do something today. it doesn't always happen, but that's life. hey. life is short you're capable.

What an amazing time
What a family
How did the years go by
Now it's only me

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
La, la, la, la, la, la, la (ah, ah, ah, ah, ah)

Like a cat in heat, stuck in a moving car
A scary conversation, shut my eyes, can't find the brake
What if they say that you're a climber
Naturally, I'm worried if I do it alone
Who really cares, cause it's your life
You never know, it could be great
Take a chance cause you might grow
Oh, ah, oh

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Take a chance you stupid ho

Like an echo pedal, you're repeating yourself
You know it all by heart
Why are you standing in one place
Born to blossom, bloom to perish
Your moment will run out
Cause of your sex chromosome
I know it's so messed up, how our society all thinks (for sure)
Life is short, you're capable
Oh, ah, oh

(Uh-huh, hu-huh)
Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million-dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

I can't wait to go back and do Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style

Go

Look at your watch now
You're still a super hot female
You got your million dollar contract
And they're all waiting for your hot track

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting
What you waiting for

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

(What you waiting for)
Take a chance you stupid ho
Take a chance you stupid ho

What you waiting for
What you waiting for

(What you waiting for)
Take a chance you stupid ho
Take a chance you stupid ho

i think i can

2005-04-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

hmm... I've been at the library for about and hour and half now, attempting to read the second half of and write a response paper on Maria Lugones' book Pilgrimages/Peregrinajes before 3PM. it's about forming resistance coalitions in the face of multiple oppressions. so far i've managed to read plans, write emails, pay some bills, check websites that i read semi-regularly, eat an apple, open a word document.... that's about it.

it's april 6th.
my last day of classes is april 28th.
finals week ends may 6th.
my 22nd birthday is may 7th.
I have to turn in final grades for "my students" on may 9th.
i will leave for Germany on May 17th.
i have stopped working/being interested in working.
too bad.
so sad.

i cannot seem to take a consistent stand on capitalization. I realize this makes me look sloppy and unprofessional, but that's life.

i'd like to blow off class this afternoon, drive to cinncinati, go to the art museum, buy a camera, walk around, take some pictures, and eat a cookie and coffee with milk for dinner. that sounds great right now.

i desperately want to read the brothers karamazov again, but may have to wait until this fall.

then i remembered, i don't have to wait to do anything.

2005-04-05T11:15:00.000-04:00

Thanks for this terrible photo of me, Jake. ;)

Pardon me, I don't mean the photo itself is terrible - it's nicely framed, good color, etc. I mean that it's terrible because it makes me realize how desperately I need to go to the gym and stop drinking so much. I distinctly remember a point on Friday night, sitting at Aden and Kate's kitchen table, whn I exclaimed that, even though I'd had about 10 drinks, I was "AMAZINGLY NOT THAT DRUNK!" that's the first sign I'm wasted. But thanks to the rejuvenating power of Joe's futon and stale Starburst jellybeans, I awoke feeling refreshed the next day.

home, home again.

2005-04-04T15:36:00.000-04:00

a short absence, but a good/needed one. april is here, that means something. i really enjoy the first day of each new month ... well, until the end of the month at which time i will concluded that the changing of the month changed little about me and my life besides the number of days older i am (30 or 31, or sometimes, very rarely, 28).

that's not always true i guess.

back in ohio after a nice weekend in chicago. i saw lots of faces i had not seen in awhile.
i saw lots of faces i had never seen at all. i spent an absurd amount of money, mostly on drinks. oh well.

it's nice in oxford, my heat is off, though i'm undecided about letting in remain so.

2005-03-29T20:30:00.000-05:00

uh. false alarm, nothing to say.

i bet you're so sad.

movie moments

2005-03-27T10:36:00.000-05:00

i used to be able to wake up and get out of bed right away. i never pushed the snooze button, i arose refreshed and ready to start the day. these days, it seems like it takes me about an hour to become semi-functional, regardless of the time i get up. so this morning i was watching tv. this being easter sunday, very little was on besides live church broadcasts and other sunday morning crap shows. somehow i ended up watching the bodyguard - that 1991 ish kevin coster/whitney houston blockbuster on TBS. as the movie ended - with that scene where whitney houston runs out of the plane to kiss kevin kostner - it struck me that there are few things more satisfying to watch than a really exceptional on screen moment. even though it's not a particularly good kiss, and even though kevin coster produced both waterworld and the postman, and even though whitney's married to bobby brown, and even though i've heard the song "i will always love you" ad nauseum, it was easy to forget all of that. that's what a great movie makes you do.

it's like the time when elliott's disecting the frogs at school and ET's at home watching an old movie, and all of the sudden elliott kisses the girl and they all let the frogs go free.

html htmfuckyou

2005-03-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

i'll be damned if i can't figure out how to rewrite the html in my blog template to add links to my blog. this makes me feel really dumb, considering that writing html was just about the only think i could do in intro to comp sci. oh well.

nothing new here, besides that fact that i have a pounding headache, too much work to do, and am only managing to make it day by day.

anyway, back to reading "learning from experience: minority identities, multicultural struggles" by paula m.l. moya.

also, i've gotten a creative bug again. my desire to make something is growing exponentially.

this is all for now.

couch night.

2005-03-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

tonight is one of those nights when i would really like to fall asleep on my couch. i've only done it once before, i mean, slept the whole night on the couch... there's just something really uninviting about my bed right now.

the couch is easy, informal, in front of the tv... my bed is cold, dark.... i don't know what else. covered in moss colored suede...

grinnell, oh grinnell

2005-03-14T16:34:00.000-05:00

i'm back in grinnell for a few days, and am very tired of having the "this is what i'm doing now" conversation with everybody. well, mostly just tired of talking to adults. a sidenote, i don't really consider myself an adult and i'm not so sure when i'm going to be one...

grinnell is that awful brown color right now. right before it starts to look like spring, but after the snow has melted. i barely recognize anybody, except people whom i don't want to see...

nothing else to say besides i miss college. boo hoo.

the awkward phase

2005-03-10T12:13:00.000-05:00

recently i've been thinking a lot about different events and time periods in my past... specifically the most awkward, embarrassing times. i don't remember feeling strange or uncomfortable about them until after-years later when i stopped to reflect.

and because i've been thinking about these times so much, i'm left with the impression that my childhood and teenage years were little more than a string of embarrassing situations, missteps, bad decisions-generally filled with meaninglessness.

in psychoanalytic lingo, this kind of retroactive creation of meaning is called nachtraglichkeit. literally, it means a sort of carrying back of meaning. at the time of the event, we're exposed to a number of signs, some verbal and some non-verbal. sometimes we understand, sometimes we understand incompletely, sometimes we don't understand at all, or unconsciously are unable to wrap ourfingers around the meaning or the significance until a sufficient amount of time has distanced us from those events.

this retroactive meaning isn't the meaning the events had for me at the time, but it's the meaning i'm left with-a sour taste about most of what has happened. i suppose it would be just as easy to reexamine each event in turn, reflect, and come to terms with what happened, reascribe a more pleasant meaning-a more exciting version of events.

i don't think i care to change.

glamour shots

2005-03-09T20:06:00.000-05:00

remember glamour shots? those heinous professional pictures that supposedly showcased you at your most beautiful, but were really just an excuse for some beauty school dropout to crimp your hair, and put you in something metallic so that the photographer with whom she was probably cheating in her husband could snap some pictures of you with the back of your hand supporting your chin?

yeah. those were kind of popular in middle school. my mom got some, i think they were a door prize or something. anyway, i've been thinking that it might be fun to have some.

that's what i think about while waiting for alias to start... glamour shots.

fug.

april shower, flowers, and spring love can kiss my ass.

2005-03-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

just give me some warm weather and a renewed sense of hopefulness for christ sake. i can feel it coming... so close. this weekend, i walked a lot, actually did some work (don't worry, much time was still spent watching tv/movies) talked to some friends... probably about a 6 on my oxford good times scale of fun. 0 being horrible, cry in bed depression, and 10 being a pretty good time.

still, i'm looking forward to going to chicago/grinnell over spring break. hopefully i won't allow an impending first day of teaching post-break to tarnish my fun.

i'm going to make some miso soup.

Westerns are Magical.

2005-03-04T21:50:00.001-05:00

This evening, I went to my local public library to rent some VHS cassettes/DVDs. They are free. this is my primary concern in light of the current level of poverty I face. I rented "swimming pool" a BBC version of "the scarlet pimpernel" the "x-files movie," and "mclintock" a 1963 western starring Margaret O'hara, John Wayne, and his son Patrick Wayne (poor kid, i imagine his film career went something like jacob dylan's music career - "son of bob dylan" always...)

anyway, it's an excellent film. i've probably seen it a half dozen times on TNT or TBS. it's funny, well directed, good script, just misogynistic and politically incorrect enough for the 60's - E.g. there's a chinese cook named ching, whose pigtail they are constantly threatenting to cut off...

the kissing/humiliating of the women and the manliness are in all the right parts. john wayne is the manlinest of men, and you can't help but love him for it. they were simple times. things were straighforward.

Westerns are Magical.

2005-03-04T21:50:00.000-05:00

drunk teenage russian.

2005-03-02T08:17:00.000-05:00

yesterday i was idlely clicking the "next blog" button... just seeing what was out there on blogspot.com. I came across many NFP groups and a lot of spanish language photoblogs until finally I found myself perusing the second post ever of "Anna", a Russian 15 year old living in a "shithole" in New Jersey who sarcastically proclaimed that her family had a whole lot of vodka, "because that's all Russians are good for, right?" She'd started her blog the day before because there had been a big snowstorm and she was bored with life. Her 15 years old friends has left a lot of...well... "potty-mouthed" comments for her. But all things considered, she seemed like a pretty sassy/trashy little 15 year old.

Anyway, it made me awfully nostalgic for my early teens, an akward time no doubt, but in retrospect also a pretty magical time. When I was 15, things were easy. Set construction for the Importance of Being Earnest was fun. Driving around town at night was about as good as it got. There was little to worry about, and friends were never more than a few blocks away.

I'm glad I'm not 15 anymore, and I wouldn't wish the clock back. but, well, it might be fun to go back for a day...

I still need to watch "Kicking and Screaming"...

mi cama

2005-03-01T11:31:00.000-05:00

I've recently discovered the serenity that comes with making my bed each day. it's a nice feeling to walk into my bedroom and see that everything's in its right place--that my comforter is just waiting for me to climb under it.

when i lived with Carter, i would often marvel at the fact that he made his bed every single day. "i don't have time for that!" i thought.

though i may be a late bloomer, i'm now squarely on the bed making bandwagon.

it's a moment of peacefulness in a world gone mad.

grades.

2005-02-28T14:14:00.000-05:00

currently, i'm supposed to be grading some student's papers in which they critically respond to EO Wilson's sociobiological writings and other's responses to those writings. this is funny, because most of the students here couldn't critically analyze an episode of sesame street.

nevertheless, these paper must be given grades ranging from 0-20 points. so let the point giving begin.

PS i could use a cute new haircut and a cute new bag.

headache.

2005-02-27T18:28:00.000-05:00

i've got one.

dreams of young yuppie love.

2005-02-24T13:29:00.001-05:00

times like these...well, times like this particular time in my life, i really long for the comforts of young urban yuppiehood. though i once eschewed them, these days, there are few things as satisfying to me as pracing around with a cup of starbucks coffee, watching the OC, buying the latest edgy magazines, enjoying glasses... well, bottles of pinot noir.

my dreams of someday owning an ipod, routinely going to concerts, taking my lunch break to go shopping, attending art openings and getting drunk on drinks that someone else paid for are what keep me going through the long cold ohio winter.

christ i need to stop drinking coffee and go to class.

dreams of young yuppie love.

2005-02-24T13:29:00.000-05:00

a technological renaissance

2005-02-23T10:32:00.000-05:00

i'm comtemplating one, that is.

i am trying to psych myself up to buy an ipod, though i don't really have the money for it... and it seems silly to buy an ipod without buying a new computer (since i'm running the minimum system required-on my three year old ibook, which is, for all intents and purposes, fine-and all attempts to upgrade have met with disaster.) also my combo drive has always been finnicky, so it's silly to buy an ipod if i can't reliably put music on my computer.

this situation is complicated by the fact that i can get a new powerbook, an ipod and the applecare plan for 1800 dollars through miami. hmmm....

i can't help but feel that the quality of my life would be greatly improved (at least for a few weeks) if these purchases were made.... but perhaps i should just wait until next year at this time...

also i miss my digital camera a lot. i really want a new one, but can't find one a like that's not insanely expensive. again, no money. sad. my life is so sad because i don't have expensive electronics.

when i used to go out....

2005-02-22T12:11:00.000-05:00

now i go out alone if i go out at all

those cokehead's words are never more applicable than they are right now. oh well. nevermind. spring break will be here soon and i will be partying in grinnell and chicago. by partying i mean watching movies and going to chinese buffets.

i can't help but feel that everything would be fixed with a new wardrobe.
and a new attitude.

a haiku:
spring is coming soon
out of the closet Coach bag
stillettos come too

untitled #4

2005-02-17T15:46:00.000-05:00

hmm. an update from my "office" aka the closet that i share with 5 others grad students and one old orange/brown/wood chair that boasts an 18th century British sailor themed print. i'm alone, working on this masterpiece of a paper. the theme is somewht general, as all my papers usually are. too often i try to conquer the world with each paper i write, forgetting that the point of a 20 page paper is not to tie up the loose ends of human existence or answer society's enduring questions, but to show my prowess at finding and utilizing secondary sources, and my mastery of arcane academic language.

though i'm supposed to be working on this paper all semester long for my writing seminar, very little work has been done on it up until now, one day before i must hand it to my peers and professor so that they can mark it up and tell me how much it sucks and how little progress i made on it in the past three weeks.

i will then reply, "yes, but you have no idea how many x files episodes i've watched in the last three weeks!"

touche.

"F" for Effort.

2005-02-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

If I had to give myself a grade for overall effort this year, it would be an "F". Not just for academics, but in the realm of exercise attempted, money saved, personal hygiene level attained, books read, papers graded, etc. hmmm... I think that I've prepared myself one from scratch dinner all year. that's kind of sad. I mean I've put together lots of sandwiches, and heated up plenty of egg rolls, but only once have i successfully made anything as simply easy to prepare as stirfry...

i am secretly living like a bachelor. tonight, i will cook something/do something worthy of at least a C-

an absence, a pause.

2005-02-15T01:15:00.000-05:00

a weekend in chicago. that was nice. now i'm at home, watching some x files and shirking my academic responsibility. i want
some valentine's candy. : ) oh well, it's probably for the best. jesus christ, february is halfway over. i love how quickly the month goes - it helps me remember that spring is just around the corner.

happy v day,
sara

words words words

2005-02-08T13:05:00.000-05:00

if i see that play one more time i might shoot myself. JK!!!

anyway, on the subject of words. i must admit that jake's latest post (a series of EXTREMELY CLEVER exchanges with wes) got me thinking. i can't remember the last time that i learned a new word. this is probably due to the fact that my pleasure reading page count has fallen exponentially since 7th grade when i put away a 200 page book a day. no babysitters club for me, it was strictly novels about horses and... other stuff. the point is, i can't remember the last time that i read something that didn't have something to do with space, time, or marxism, which is really about space and time. ( i did read "what i loved" by siri hustvedt over break... but i was fucking about philosophy)...

so.... drumroll.... i hereby resolve (for real this time, no more fucking around) to start reading more and increase my vocabulary through a renewed interest in lapping up the written word. I've identified the forces which keep my vocab sub-par (that is, not SAT 800)... i've never really taken the SAT.

Negative forces

one: i am lazy. this manifests itself most often as a refusal to think for more than .5 seconds about possible synonyms on the rare occasion when i attempt to complete a NYtimes crossword.
solution: i will try harder.... ?

two: my life is filled with schoolwork.
solution: i will stop that foolishness in order to focus on other pursuits, namely, learning words that i will never use.

three: i have a GRE vocab book sitting on my toilet, but the problem it, i'm a fast pooper. i'm never sitting there long enough to really learn anything.
solution: learn to enjoy my bathroom time.

this should lead to... success!!!!

FIN.

PS - did you grinnellians enjoy wordplay or booklada more!?!?!?

incoherent

2005-02-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

it's my specialty these days. incoherency i mean.

a morning, and afternoon, and an evening of philosophy

2005-02-05T01:23:00.000-05:00

i awoke this morning round 8:30, tired, needing a shower and dreading the long hard day of schomoozing in store for me. what was worse, i knew that i would be required to pay attention to someone all day long.

the other sara in my graduate program picked me up at about ten thirty. our mission - to collect our distinquished friday guest lecturer, ander cutrofello (loyola university) from the greater cinncinati airport (really it's in kentucky).

though this trip took only about 45 minutes, it necessitated us driving through three states (ohio, indiana, and kentucky) to get there.

when i don't have anything to say... i come up with something to say!

2005-02-02T22:26:00.000-05:00

wednesday night is effectively my friday (as i only have office hours and my TA class on Thursdays), however, i have a bunch of boring papers to grade for tomorrow and i have to wine and dine a speaker on friday. boring. but free lunch sounds good.

in the meantime, i'll drink wine.

adventure to cincinatti?

2005-02-02T13:34:00.000-05:00

I live about 45 minutes from the heart of downtown Cinci, granted, not a major metropolitan area of awesomness, and the only city in the nation with official anti-homosexual/discrimination laws on the books... but a city, nonetheless.

this friday i will become acquainted with the airport, and am toying with the idea of venturing into the city for real later this weekend. probably this won't happen, and if it does, my visit will consist of nothing more exciting than finding a new, bigger starbucks to work in.... but it's a thought. maybe i'll find an art museum to go to?!?!? or some drugs to buy!?!?!?

i do not heart ohio (?!?)

2005-02-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

I have been in Ohio for about 6 months now, give or take the time spent on a few much needed trips to Chicago/Iowa/Canada... and I still feel unsettled and unproductive... like I've been treading water for a really long time. I'm supposedly on a forward path, making progress towards my little MA, but, academically, I've never felt more adolescent. At first I was slightly depressed because of the place, my poverty, lack of friends/prospects, etc.. But, as always, I resolved to make things work... attitude is everything (they say). This can be a really positive time! Don't get me wrong, there have been really good things about my program.

But, more often than not, this place has brought my laziness, my tendencies towards procrastination, and other generally bad habits out in full force... as if my entire body is rebeling against this stupid place that I made it come. what's more, being in Ohio has made me scared that these are not bad habits, this is who I am!

Would I be this way if I were in a place that I liked? With lots of friends and a department bigger than:

2 married people
one girl who lives out of town
one boy who I never see
one girl who never talks
and one boy who is from Kenya and is deathly afraid of speaking?

Do I continue to blame Ohio?
Do I blame myself?
Do I resolve to change?
Is that what year Two is for?
Is it summer yet?

Stay tuned loyal listeners...

baby steps

2005-01-31T13:35:00.000-05:00

i continue to make small steps towards actually being the student that i apparently am supposed to be...

i did some reading for a class today. i am going to do a presentation tomorrow. i am applying to study in germany (maybe).

i have discovered (surprise, surprise) that my productivity is negatively correlated with the amount of x files i watch.

the entire 9 season collector's set is on its way from asia as we speak.

god help us all.

PS i need to get a new digital camera. suggestions?

ohio, the love of my life, is freezing right now.

2005-01-27T13:15:00.000-05:00

what a cold day in the eastern heartland.
the week is winding down. i wish that i had
season five of the x files to watch. i am addicted.

i am addicted.

2005-01-24T14:59:00.000-05:00

this week, the x-files are my drug of choice.
anything to escape reality, no?